Yugioh: A Very Superstitious Game
by SniperX15
Summary: A half-serious parody of the ridiculous style of play in the televised series. Read and review... Kaiba comes into the story later.


**Chapter 1: Yugi vs Mort**

Mort and Jed were dueling at a McDonalds; a small crowd of people were watching.

''I'm going to use Fissure,'' Jed said. He held up the magic card; Goblin Attack Force was gone and Mort's field was clear open.

Mort sighs. ''Darn it Jed, why do you always get the right card at the right time?''

''I attack with both monsters. 3800 LP damage.''

''Ok Jed, you win… good job.''

''GG Mort.''

Mort bit a corner of his lip as he packed his deck up; Jed was doing the same thing. It had been a great game… a very close one too. Both he and Jed used beatdown decks and at first they were evenly matched… but somehow Jed managed to come out on top. The crowd started to disperse… realizing the match was over.

Suddenly, a young man walked up to them.

''Hey guys, I couldn't help overlooking your game earlier and I was wondering if one of you might be interested in dueling me?''

Mort and Jed looked up.

_What the…_

The dude was a serious weirdo. He had spiky yellow hair… spiky was seriously understating it (it looked like he had yellow cones shooting off his head)! Part of his yellow hair was dyed purple and red. He also had the largest pair of purple eyes they had ever seen… and he was wearing a strange golden pyramid with an eye in the middle around his neck on a necklace.

Mort was thinking… _Is this guy… part of some cult or something?_

''My name is Yugi. I am a Duel Monsters player. I wish to engage in a friendly match. Anyone?'' the young man repeated.

Jed cleared his throat and looked at Mort. ''Mort… your game… I'm too tired. I'll just watch… my deck needs to be re-arranged anyways.''

Mort looked a bit uneasy. But it looked like the young man was serious about wanting to duel one of them.

''Ok,'' said Mort at length. ''I guess we can. Want to sit down?''

Jed rolled his eyes at Mort as he stood up to watch the match; Mort tried to act like things were all normal (it wasn't everyday that you get a challenger looking like this guy). The young man sat down opposite Mort and put his deck down on the table. Mort did the same thing.

''Hey,'' the strange young man said. ''May the best player win… and may the Heart of the Cards be with him.''

_The Heart of the What? What's he talking about?_

The duel began. Mort drew his five cards, so did Yugi. Mort pulled out a coin.

''What are you doing?''

''Flipping a coin to decide who goes first. Oh WAIT. Life points…''

Jed dropped a calculator on the table and typed 80008000. ''I'm on it Mort. Don't worry.''

''Hey er… Mort is it?'' Yugi asked, still eying the coin. ''You can go first.''

''Really?''

''Yeah… I'll let you go first.''

''K…''

Drawing a card, Mort placed Goblin Attack Force on the table in attack mode. He set down one card.

"End turn.''

''My turn then. I draw a card.''

It was Yugi's turn; he had the most serious expression on his face. Mort was wondering if he was performing a heart surgery or something…

Mort waited… the seconds ticked by (perhaps a whole minute)… still no movement from the player. Yugi was still obsessively surveying the cards in his hands, occasionally he glanced at Mort's cards on the field.

''Hey er… Yugi is it?'' Mort asked eventually. ''It's your turn.''

''I know.''

A few more seconds went by.

Mort glanced at Jed; Jed shrugged his shoulders.

''Sir… it's your move.''

''I like this,'' Yugi said suddenly. A terrifying smile came over his face. ''You are going to be a very challenging opponent. I mean… this is a most unusual opening.''

''It… it is?'' asked Mort, wide-eyed.

_Must be a noob…_

''I set a monster in facedown defense. Then I'm setting down two cards. Your turn.''

Mort drew his card. He did not like the young man's expression at all…

_Why's he smiling like a psycho? And what the HELL is wrong with his hair?_

Mort flipped his set card in the M/T spot. ''Giant Trunade,'' he announced.

Yugi did not respond.

''Yugi?''

''What?''

''I activate Giant Trunade.''

''What does it do?''

Mort resisted the urge to facepalm. Then he remembered… he was once a noob himself too and a wave of sympathy came over him.

''Yugi, look… hmmm… how long have you been playing this game?'' he asked gently.

''A few years,'' he replied confidently. ''I was at Battle City and the Duelist Kingdom tournaments. You know… I was always dueling ever since the day I got my hands on my first Duel Monsters card. But my REAL motivation to step up my dueling was to save my grandfather a few years ago. You see a man named Kaiba came into my grandfather's shop one day…''

He just talked on and on and on; Mort was seriously regretting dueling this guy.

_What the hell is he talking about? What does this have to do with the match right now? _

What made this worse was that Yugi was talking in a slow, rhythmic, and clear voice… as if he had all the time in the world to tell his story. He seriously could be one of those lame anime voice-over guys…

Yugi's large purple eyes were cloudy, it looked like he was having a flashback. Mort's attention span was rapidly waning; yet Yugi's mouth was still moving a few minutes later. Mort decided he had to cut in.

''Yugi?''

''And then I received this video tape from a man named Pegasus. He teleported me inside a television screen-''

_Is he on drugs? I mean… that's just impossible…_

''Yugi… errrrm… can we… can we finish the game? I was playing Giant Trunade.''

Yugi's mouth hung wide open and his eyes were as large diamonds.

''Yugi?''

Then he recovered.

''Okay… right,'' Yugi replied at length. He bent over to read the effects of the card; after a few seconds, he picked up the two facedown M/T cards on his side of the field.

Mort let out a mental sigh of relief.

_Ok… I just need to quickly beat this weirdo and then I can be on my way._

''I activate Nobleman of Crossout,'' he said (this time he decided to announce the effect in case Yugi was going to take another three minutes to figure out what the card did) ''It allows me to remove one face down monster on the field from battle.''

He points to Yugi's only monster.

Yugi let out a very loud, overly dramatic gasp of total shock. Mort could literally see a massive droplet of sweat forming on the right side of Yugi's forehead.

''Yugi?''

"…""

''Yugi… are you… are you alright?''

Yugi hastily removed the monster from his side of the field; it was a Celtic Warrior.

''He's obviously very skilled…''

Yugi was muttering to himself in a very low voice… perhaps he thought Mort couldn't hear him but Mort could hear every word. In fact, even Jed could hear what he was saying.

''First he plays a card to remove all of my trap cards… and now he has played Nobleman of Crossout to clear my field. It is clear that he intends to attack my Life…''

Mort looked at Jed; Jed shrugged his shoulders.

''This does indeed leave me in a very bad position. Who knows what he may summon next. It is clear to me that this opponent is very skilled to say…''

Mort decided to accelerate the process. He placed a second Goblin Attack Force on the field. Yugi stopped talking at once; his eyes wide with fear as he saw that Mort now had two Goblins ready to strike.

''I attack with both of them…''

Jed subtracted Yugi's Life Points to 3400.

Mort switched his cards to defense mode. Then he motioned for Yugi to make his move.

Yugi blinked.

''Yugi… it's your turn. Hey listen, can we play a little faster? Because… because not to be rude or anything but I err… I have to meet someone else at 7.''

Yugi looked at Mort with a rather sad expression. Then he drew a card.

''I summon Giant Rock Soldier in attack mode.''

_Why does he have this in his deck? I mean… first a Celtic and now this?_

''I set down two cards.''

_Right… the ones I blew away with Giant Trunade last turn._

Suddenly, a fierce look came over Yugi's large purple eyes as he pointed a finger straight at Mort's face; Mort backed away, slightly uneasy.

''GIANT ROCK SOLDIER! ATTACK GOBLIN ATTACK FORCE!''

Mort hastily put one of the Goblins into the graveyard, trying to hide his displeasure; he could not believe Yugi had just pointed a finger at his face and practically yelled at him when they were barely a meter apart.

''Mort…'' said Yugi with a smug look on his face and speaking in that same slow and rhythmic voice.

''You have been playing very well so far. But I have discovered the weakness of your cards… while your Giant Trunade removes my Trap cards from the field. It does not destroy them. And when your Goblins attack they are switched to defense mode, leaving them vulnerable since their defense is 0. This means that I-''

''Are you done with your turn?''

Yugi once again looked annoyed at being cut off but he recovered quickly. ''Yes… it's your turn.''

Mort drew a card.

''I sacrifice my remaining Goblin to summon Shadow Monarch Caius.''

''A… a sacrificial summon?!'' Yugi was horrified.

''Yes…'' said Mort, rolling his eyes. ''That's what I just said.''

Mort pointed at one of Yugi's set down cards. ''I want to target remove this card.''

Yugi didn't respond.

''Caius the Shadow Monarch, when summoned allows me to select one card, of any type on the field, and remove it from the field of battle,'' said Mort quickly.

Yugi caught on eventually. He removed one of the set cards from the field.

''Now… I want to use Caius to attack your Giant Rock Soldier. Do you want to activate a tr-''

''AHA! You have fallen into a trap!''

Yugi flipped up the card: It was a Hexagram curse; Mort was a bit surprised… not so much because there was a trap card but because it was THIS particular trap card.

_Dude this card is way obsolete…_

With a smug look on his face, Yugi proceeded to explain. ''You see, Hexagram Curse allows me to immobilize and trap your Cai-''

''I know what it does,'' Mort replies promptly. ''I finish my turn. Your move.''

Yugi drew a card; studying the cards in his hands with a deadly serious expression, he started talking to himself again. ''He doesn't seem very worried. He must have some trick… but what is it? Caius is paralyzed and yet he doesn't break a sweat. He must have something even more powerful… COULD IT BE?!''

Mort rolled his eyes. He was getting rather bored by now because Yugi was playing so slowly. He did not much care what thought process Yugi was going through right now… the question was not whether or not Mort would win… it was WHEN he was going to win. And at this rate it might take several hours for him to do just that…

_God why doesn't he HURRY UP?!_

Finally Yugi made his move. He removed his Rock Soldier and placed a Summoned Skull on the field.

_Wow… Finally a half-decent monster._

''I wish to perform a sacrificial summon. I summon… SUMMONED SKULL! Summoned Skull…''

He was pointing straight at Mort's face again; Mort covered his ears this time.

''ATTACK CAIUS THE SHADOW MONARCH! LIGHTNING… BLAST!''

Jed subtracted the 100 LP from Mort's life points as Mort nonchalantly placed his monster into the graveyard.

''Are you done?''

''Yes.''

''K.''

Mort drew his card. He showed Yugi a Fissure card.

''I target Summoned Skull. Then I summon Beserk Gorilla… attack you directly.''

It took a while for Yugi to process this.

''Wait…''

''You get it? I used Fissure and then-''

''Just wait.''

Yugi looked at all of Mort's card closely to make sure nothing had been misconstrued; his expression grew more and more anxious by the seconds.

''Hey err Yugi?'' Mort asked, trying to sound as delicate and respecting as he could. ''Are you sure you want to continue this? I mean… it's ok we all have to start somewhere and we all have to practice. I think it's clear that this is a mismatch and it simply wouldn't be fair to continue… I mean… I still have 7900 LP and you only have-''

''1400 LP,'' said Jed grimly, holding up the calculator. ''You took three direct hits… two from Gob and one from his Beserk-''

''I could give you some advice on how to improve your deck,'' Mort continued nicely. ''And I mean it's great that you like this game and everything but some of your cards don't do much and I mean-''

''Hey Mort…'' said Yugi, smiling at last. ''I think you are right. I have been underestimating you too much…''

_W… WHAT?! I didn't say that?!_

''If I have learned anything today,'' said Yugi. ''It is to never underestimate my opponents. A good duelist must always be on edge, always be open to the Heart of the Cards, if I should lose this duel today… I would have learned something new and so I don't regret dueling against you at all.''

_I learned something new today too Yugi… ALWAYS think twice before accepting a duel._

''However…''

All of a sudden Yugi stopped smiling. His expression deadly serious, he once again pointed a finger straight at Mort.

''Don't think you have defeated me yet Mort! I SHALL… DEFEAT YOU!''

He put his hand on the top of his deck; Mort was shocked beyond words. Yugi closed his eyes.

''Hey err Yugi… you know this is just a game right?'' Jed asked in a friendly voice, noticing how uneasy Yugi was making Mort feel.

Yugi ignored Jed. His eyes were still closed; he seemed to be muttering some kind of calm incantation or prayer; Mort's mouth was hanging wide open. Mort and Jed exchanged exasperated looks.

Suddenly, the pyramid on Yugi's necklace started to emit a blinding flash of yellow light. Mort and Jed rushed to cover their eyes; a strange sound was heard.

When the light vanished, Mort and Jed opened their eyes. Yugi had somehow grown much MUCH taller. Was this some kind of magic trick?

Mort looked at Jed… Jed shrugged his shoulders again (he did a lot of that this afternoon).

Yugi's eyes were still closed, his fingers were still resting on his deck.

''Yugi…'' Mort asked. ''So you want to continue. It's your turn. Draw your card?''

Yugi ignored him. His mouth was still silently chanting something. All of a sudden, Mort and Jed could hear what he was saying.

''I need to trust my deck. I need to trust in the Heart of the Cards. I have faced worse before… my deck has never failed me. My friends stand behind me. DESTINY… … DRAW!''

With a sweeping motion, he drew the card, it was held between two of his fingers. Yugi opened his eyes and looked.

''Well?'' asked Mort impatiently.

''I concede…'' said Yugi sadly. He struggled to keep tears from falling.

''Oh…'' said Mort. ''You don't have any more monsters to summon?''

Yugi showed Mort his hand: Dark Magician, Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Polymerization, and United We Stand…

_Wow… so many drawbacks…_

Smiling, Mort put his cards down and extended a hand for Yugi to shake. ''It was a good game Yugi but your deck could do with some retooling. Hey err… Yugi?''

Yugi had fallen to his knees. His eyes were closed and his head was facing the ground; it looked like the end of the world for him.

''Yu… Yugi are you… are you alright?''

Mort and Jed were both looking at him, their expressions very concerned. It was not unheard of for some people to take this game a little too seriously but neither of them had ever witnessed behavior such as this.

''Yugi?"

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
